Broken Faith

Last week my dryer broke.  I was drying clothes while the kids ate breakfast, and Jude wanted to see what I was drying.  He opened the door, checked the contense, closed the door, tried to start it and nothing happened.  I tried.  Nothing happened.  I knew that if my husband found out that the dryer was broken before work he would be totally stressed.  We are not rich.  Broken dryers are not free.  Dry clothes are a must.  The rock and the hard place were waiting.  My husband, of course, found out and was instantly talking about getting a second job and cancelling Christmas all in one breath.  I kept saying what I always say in these situations, "I'll figure it out.  I'll do something, and I'll figure it out."  This is not said in the friendliest tone...I just need you to know...this is usually said pretty loudly...with a few sighs...and possibly an exaggerated drawer slam or two.
"Figure it out" simply means I will brainstorm for instant money, or call my mom or barter with a neighbor.  I can problem solve the unexpected crisis.  I come from a long line of "figure it out" type of people.  We get calm.  We brainstorm.  We figure it out.  Crisis averted.  Pat on the back for me.  You see, I have history with unexpected broken dryers, flat tires, crashed computers, empty pantries, empty wallets and needed doctor appointments.  I have history with pulling money out of thin air or selling everything that isn't nailed down if the crisis calls.  It is my history, and it works.  I am comfortable here.
As my husband closed the door headed to work, I thought to call my neighbor...we have a plumber, an electrician and a jack-of-all-trades in our cul de sac.  Oddly, I felt God say "No."  I thought to call my mom.  "No." And then God said something crazy, "Pray."  So, I prayed.  I prayed with my three children that I would know exactly what to do.  I prayed I would not say mean things to my husband.  I prayed that the dryer would miraculously fix itself.  My kids left the kitchen table, and I sat there wondering if the dryer was about to start back up on its own.  Then I had the strangest feeling.  I felt like I was supposed to pray for wisdom to fix my dryer and fine motor skills to do it myself.  So, I did.  Wisdom in dryer repair and fine motor skills for my caveman hands.  I didn't question this prayer.  I just prayed it.  I got up from the table, went to the garage and grabbed two screw drivers and some needle nose pliers.  I came in, prayed again and took the back panel off the dryer.  I prayed again for wisdom and fine motor skills.  And by 8:31 that morning the dryer was fixed and I was floored.  My kids were floored.  I texted my husband, and he was floored.  I sat down because there was nothing left to do.  Then God began a very important conversation with me:

This is not about broken dryers.  This is about broken faith.

The past seven years have been a crazy, transformational process of leaving my old self behind, and trying to be more like Jesus.  I have watched old habits die, and seen the me that God intended for me to be come into the light.  It has been faith shaping and earth shattering.  However, there have been things that I have held on to...things that are my history, part of who I am.  I believe last week God was showing me that my faith was broken...my faith that He could change our history.  Not change the past, just the way we have historically lived our lives...our personal history of "the way things are".

Here is a short list of items that make up part of my personal history:

*I am a crisis fixer...no need for Jesus when I can solve any problem.

*I am a foul mouthed, Jesus loving woman.  I have been cussing since I was a kid...beautiful picture I know.

*My husband freaks out about money, and I freak out at him for freaking out in the first place.

*I yell.  I come from a family of screamers so, yelling is an improvement, right?

*I am 30 pounds overweight.  I am and will always be because I have been for a long time.

This list could go on and on with big and small historical Jackie Hooks items.  The problem isn't the problem.  The problem is my broken faith any of these things could ever change.

He (Jesus) replied, "Because you have so little faith, I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move.  Nothing will be impossible for you."  Matthew 17:20-21

Do you know how big a mustard seed is?  It is small.  Real Small.

My faith is broken.  I believe God has changed all He can change, and the rest we just deal with.  I believe God understands our sin history and gives us a pass for the ones that are real old.  I believe God says this crazy girl is really changed and people notice, let's give her a break.  And I am wrong.  God could care less about my dryer, but He cares a lot about my faith.  He cares whether or not I begin to grasp that He wants all of my faith.  He wants me to let go of the places where I put faith in my own history, saying, "I know how this goes," or "Here we go again.  Same old song and dance." And He wants me to begin to say in faith, "Yes." to some crazy new dryer-fixing moments.  He wants me to have faith if my husband freaks out about money that I won't.  I will love him, and tell him I know he is overwhelmed.  He wants me to stop trying to give up merely the "F" word , and start believing I could have a mouth that glorifies Jesus on a regular basis.  He wants me to believe Him that He cares about my health, and the health legacy I am passing on to my children, and say "Yes" to Couch to 5K, more water and less baked yummy things.  He wants me to stop yelling at my kids, and when I do ask them to forgive me, and then ask Jesus to forgive me and then get up and try again.  He wants me to pray for dryer fixing wisdom and fine motor skills, and then believe He will deliver.  Tomorrow it may be button sewing skills (which I do not possess) and another round of fine motor skills. 

None of these things are really earth shattering, but they are the daily faith exercises growing my grain of sand sized faith into a mustard seed so mountains can be moved when the time comes.  These are the moments of daily surrender to Jesus requiring us to say goodbye to the history we are comfortable with and hello to an everywhere, everyday, everything Savior.  Sometimes this daily stuff is the hardest for me.  But my faith grew the other day, and it is growing.  I have had to ask for forgiveness a bunch, but I am not giving up on this everything faith.  I turned on my dryer this morning, and because of an ounce of faith last week, my clothes were dried by a machine fixed through faith...I wonder what my life would look like all fixed up by faith.

I am reminded of Peter who walked on water with Jesus in a storm (Luke 14:22-36).  Faith got Peter out of a comfortable old boat, and put water beneath his feet.  Sure, he sank, but before he sank, he walked on the waves.  He had no history with water walking.  He had history with fishing.  And when he was living life as an apostle, sharing the gospel of a risen Savior with countless people, he had no history with that either.  But he had felt water beneath his feet, and had faith to get out of a boat in a storm...This faith stretching allows the faith of a common fisherman to be bold enough to speak to the masses about Jesus, and baptize thousands in His name.

So, Jesus hasn't asked me to walk on water today, but He did ask me not to yell when an argument over toothpaste ensued.  He did ask me not to drink another soda, and have a glass of water or two.  He did ask me to share my testimony with a new friend, and He asked me to believe Him.  Believe in Him.  Have some everything, everyday, everywhere faith.  And I am believing.  I have one foot out of my boat.