I Have Been a Parent for Over a Decade.
Over a Decade.
This is the Hardest Thing I Have Ever Done.
Ever.
I have been a parent for 11 years now…12 if you count the
first humbling year of Jake’s life…which I totally count. And it looked so good. And it looked so filled with Halloween
Costumes, and homemade cookies, and cuddles, and hand holding and good night
prayers that were easy to pray. It
looked like the thing that would bring you all together…the whole stinking
world…your entire family…through these little people with big wide eyes, and
toothless grins, and I Love You’s waiting around every corner. That was supposed to be everyday of
parenting. Laundry and dishes. Snotty noses and little colds and little
tummies. Sleepless nights that turned into
days in our PJs. We would ride the
carousel with little ups and little downs all cushioned by lovies, blankies,
and pacies…
I Might Be an Idiot.
I Might Have Bought In.
And I Might Have Stood Long and Hard on the Shore of Make Believe Mom.
I Can’t Stand Here Anymore.
They Are All Drowning.
This week…and y’all it is only Wednesday…and I am not even including
last week…but man…This week. This week I
had an hour long meeting about one son with two teachers and a school
counselor. He says he wants to live in a
box and cry. We have gone to a private
counselor. He is more depressed than any
10 year old I have ever seen. And he is
mine. And he is sinking beneath the
waves of school, and friends and changes he cannot control. This week I had an hour long meeting with the
school counselor about my girl. She is a
big old square peg, and she does not care one bit about round holes, and she is
disruptive and disengaged and disarmingly charming. She is delightful and fun. She is an emotional timebomb. She is fierce and brave and a puddle on the
floor. She is marching out into the
ocean and doesn’t care that the waves are over her head. She believes she can conquer them as they
crash into her little girl self and send her down down down…her head barely above
water. And my oldest, well I barely even recognize him this week as my dear
friends, with complete love…which sucks because it’s almost harder to swallow…
told me who he has been and the things he has said and the words that have hurt
and the friends he has injured. And I
have stood here on the shore for too long.
Standing next to my boat. Waiting
for them to all come swimming back. They
are not swimming y’all. They are not
swimming at all.
And I have Thought Ahead.
And I have Taught Life Lessons.
And I Have Planned and Prayed and Petitioned.
And They Are All Drowning.
Some Dove. Some Jumped. Some Were Tossed Out by a Storm.
And I am Standing On the Shore.
For No One.
Because I Don’t Know What Else to Do.
“Rescue”…it was sent
to save me. A gal can only stand on the
shore for so long, pretending her children aren’t sinking in the ocean, telling
others everything is fine, before the word RESCUE shows up in your mailbox. You know you have hit that place…that brick
wall…that good idea gone bad…that brink of sanity when the book shows up in
your mailbox…and it is time to swim. Y’all, it is time to swim. It is time to swim for THEIR lives.
I have devoured, “Rescue”.
This week I have listened as Candy Gibbs (she wrote this book, Rescue,
y’all…and it came in my mailbox…so crazy…so perfect) talked to young adults and
asked them tough tough questions about what they wish their parents had done
differently, and what their parents did right. And the book didn’t make me want
to jump off a parenting cliff. And the
words didn’t make me feel like the village idiot. And the chapters are giving me HOPE. And I am realizing maybe this is the whole
point of a rescue. Hope. A rescue is
underway, y’all. A real life
rescue. And I am so not going to look
like a Baywatch Babe as I dive into the ocean.
But me and my tankini with a skirt to cover my thighs are going in. Because I love them y’all. And no one else is going in. Because no one else could love this mess as
much as I do.
I Have to Swim to Them.
I Have to Tread Water with Them.
While They Are Still in My House…
Under My Roof…
Inside My Arms Reach.
And I am beginning to think the rescue is the oldest tool in
every parenting box…but we don’t want it to be there…because no one else has to
ever use it right? Just us right? Just those of us who failed right? And if we implement the rescue then everyone
will know we didn’t teach our kids how to stay on the boat. But y’all, let me say this to all of us, they
are kids. They are imperfect. They are learning. They are trying. And we are there to swim out in the ocean
when the waves are too high (and yes, we wish they had never swam out so far in
the first place) to help them swim back to shore. And every single parent who gives a lick at
all about their kiddos has had to dive in and swim way way way out and brave
the waves and brave the winds to make sure their child can at least, if all
else fails, hear their voice over the waves.
“Grace and peace to you from God
our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ, who gave himself for our sins to rescue
us from the present evil age, according to the will of our God and Father to
whom be glory forever and ever. Amen” Galatians 1:3-5
And we are not responsible for the rescue. Jesus takes all of it on His shoulders. And we are not stuck sinking in all the
things we didn’t do…because we are doing something now. Right now.
And we get to say we are sorry for not doing something sooner…but the
sand was nice between our toes…and the shore was crowded with other moms
pretending their kids were just playing in the waves.
And Our Jesus Is With Us Moms.
Walking on the Waves.
Hearing All Our Prayers.
And He is Speaking to Our Kids.
And He is Speaking to Us.
And He is There in the Rescue.
And He Is There On the Shore.
And He Is There.
He Is There.
He is Here.
Oh, what a lot of things! I'll pray for you as you are diving in. And I'll come to you for help when I'm doing the same. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you my friend...it has been a long week...a long semester...and a timely book is always good.
DeleteJackie, this spoke to my heart, thank you. And I've been a Mum for two decades! 2! How did that happen when I'm only 25? Sending love and grace and peace from a kindred spirit x
ReplyDeleteKaren thank you. This has been a long road lately. I love my messy family.
DeleteI've stood on shore, too, my friend. I'm praying with you and for you. You're doing the right thing by educating yourself and taking them to counselors and listening and being willing to go to the rescue. We're currently in the rescue phase with one of our daughters--it's exhausting. I'll definitely check out the book--I need all the help I can get!
ReplyDeleteThanks for just saying you're on a rescue mission too. I sometimes feel all alone out here...and I truly didn't want to write this honestly ya know, but God kept making me feel like others might really need to know they weren't alone either...
DeleteEvery day this week I prayed that I wouldn't hav a phone call or email or even a note (at lw ast a bad one) from school. Being a mom is hard. Having to figure this all out is hard. But I think it will work out because we keep trying. We keep diving and fighting the current. We had a break through this week. Praying that yours come soon. It hurts when our children hurt.
ReplyDeleteI know the dread too well of the school communication...ugh...for tonight, the rescue mission is sitting on the couch, all of us, watching a movie...
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