I am a Failure.
I Have Failed Completely the Last Few Years.
And I Think It Is Safe to Say This Failing Will Continue.
I am Not Living a Balanced Life.
At All.
And I am So OK With It.
I fell asleep on the couch again last night…watching Sons of
Anarchy…judge me if you need to judge me…I have definitely learned that
organized crime doesn’t pay and won’t be joining a biker gang anytime
soon. Yesterday was a huge and jam packed
day. Yesterday was filled with waking up
and starting laundry and dishes, feeding and “gently urging” four children to
get dressed and leave the house for school.
Yesterday I ran with my friend, Susi, so we can actually not die during
a 5k in a few weeks. Yesterday 14 women
came to my house for two hours and made calls to 120 trafficked girls sold on
the internet. 120 girls were told Jesus
loves them and given a hotline and possible freedom. Yesterday I ran to Hobby Lobby just in the
nick of time to get bandanas for my son’s birthday party this weekend. Yesterday 11 little girls took over my house
as they had a Brownie meeting in my living room…my kitchen…my bedrooms…and my
porch…they were everywhere. Yesterday
was Open House for my 2nd grader, and I drug all four kids (minus my
husband who has a crazy work week this week) to go look at Grace’s art and
accomplishments, and we all made it home for baked potato soup in the
crockpot. Thank the Lord for
crockpots. Yesterday we had a family
meeting about all 3 older kiddo’s grades, and there were tears and honest
answers and learning how to accept responsibility when you are wrong. Yesterday during bath time my husband ran to
the store to find shoes for our 2 year old and cargo pants for our almost 11
year old who grew out of everything yesterday.
Yesterday. Yesterday ended with
me falling asleep on the couch, holding my husband’s hand, who woke me up as I
mumbled that I was never ever going to join a biker gang. And drifted off to sleep in my footie pajamas
which make me way too happy.
And That is Just One Day.
And There Are Tons More Days Coming…
And Don’t Even Think About the Holidays.
And Y’all Might Just Live My Yesterday Everyday...
And Y’all It Is So OK…and I am Happy…And I am Not Too Busy.
And the scales have tipped.
And there is no such thing as balance anymore. There is no such thing as balance when
everything is important and high priority and Jesus given. There is no such thing as balance when you
have already taken all the fluff and not-important-to-you things off the
list. There is no balance when every
step of the way is important to God, and it all has to get done, so, it all gets
done. It all has an expiration date so
it cannot expire. This is following
Jesus most days for me. The cost is just
plain high. The cost is often the
balance you hear other people talk about.
The balance you’re supposed to strive for to make your life
better…easier…more enjoyable. The balance that helps you pretend your time is
your time or your life is your life…The balance that seems to be the answer to
nearly everything.
This is Following Jesus.
It Is Not Balanced.
This Following Jesus is All the Time.
It is More than Daily.
It is Every Moment.
And y’all, I am tired, but let me say this again, I am happy. I am exhausted and overdone in many moments,
but my life is abundant and rich. And
sometimes the laundry piles up, and then I have to play catch up. And sometimes we just use paper plates
because I am tired of washing dishes.
And sometimes I feed everyone chicken nuggets so the time we have to sit
and talk is more. And we take a short
cut here and there…but the BIG stuff is really everywhere and sometimes the
shortcuts are nowhere to be found and you will fall asleep on the couch three
nights in a row and live in the knowledge that this “busy” everyone talks about
really isn’t for you at all…it is life…and it is beautiful. And y’all, it is so important.
And this Big Full Rich Life is Inconvenient.
And There Are So Many People Who Truly Need Us.
And There is So Much Work to be Done.
Take Out All the Stuff that Doesn’t Matter.
And There is Still So Much Stuff that Does Matter.
It’s Hard Y’all.
But It is So Good.
When Jesus officially began His ministry, He spoke in the
temple. He read from the scriptures and
chose to describe His ministry…what He had come to do in His time here on
earth. It’s a tall order:
“The Spirit of the Lord is on me,
because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners
and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the
year of the Lord’s favor.” (Luke 4:18-19)
That is an enormous ministry. It was a daily ministry. It was transformational and huge. It is all encompassing and all consuming and
a whole bunch to take on…but this is what Jesus came to do. He even did these things on the Sabbath (the
day of rest) and this got Him in loads of trouble with church officials. Even when His entire culture said “rest”, He
didn’t rest if there was someone in need of love and healing right in front of
Him. Jesus was committed to His ministry
all the time. And we are committed to
following Him all the time, right? And
that commitment is meant to be all encompassing and all consuming. And this all encompassing and all consuming
following Jesus is really full of crazy joy…sleepy joy at times..but joy just
the same. The joy of seeing someone come
to Christ. The joy of helping someone
get on their feet. The joy of knowing
your child feels loved. The joy of
sharing your story when it needs to be shared. These things are meant to be HUGE. And they can leave you exhausted. But sight to the blind, setting captives
free, good news to the poor…these tall orders are the good stuff. And the good stuff sticks with you. No one shares a testimony filled full of
fluff…never letting the scales tip too much…No one wears the t-shirt that says
“Balanced Life for Jesus”…it says, “Sold Out for Jesus”…that means there is
nothing left. There is nothing safe about
following Jesus…We are exhausted and ready for more of the good stuff.
And the Resting?
Well, It Comes When You Least Expect It…
And Sometimes You have to Schedule It…
But You will have Pause and Revival and Celebration.
But Not So Your Life Can Be Balanced,
But So You Can Be Ready to do It All Again.
Because His Creation is Just Plain Worth It.
I am hoping when I get to heaven I am a haggard mess. I am hoping I hand over my paper plates, and
my pot of coffee and the trusty old crockpot and tell Jesus I am exhausted, but
man, it was a BIG full life. I hope I
look my Savior in the face and tell Him there are loads of people still all
consumed by Him on earth doing the big stuff and the small stuff in His name
and they are going to crawl across the finish line. I hope I am completely living for Jesus when
I die…completely alive…completely used up…completely worn out and completely finished…all
for Jesus…
Join Me in My Unbalanced Life.
Let the Scales Tip.
It’s Worth It.
This is me totally. LOVE LOVE LOVE. I'm going to embrace the chaos and the imbalance and the crazy full.
ReplyDeleteIt's where the good stuff is...it's not where the sleep is...just the good stuff.
DeleteLove this, Jackie. I love seeing all that Jesus has done with your "yes" to move to Houston as part of your bigger yes to Him. Love you!
ReplyDelete