"She gave this name to the Lord who spoke to her: 'You are the God who sees me,' for she said, 'I have now seen the One who sees me.'" Genesis 16:13

Lately, I have chosen to be Hagar in the desert.  I have chosen to run out to the desert and lay down where God (and everyone else) can see me in my pain.  I have chosen to wait patiently in the desert for however long it takes, for the pain and suffering in my chosen desert to wreak havoc upon ladies who hurt my feelings (whether real or imagined).  I have done this before.  It's hot and uncomfortable in the desert, but I know the lay of the land pretty well, and sometimes it is just easy to lay down in the place you have been before and feel at home in your pain.

If you don't know the story of Hagar from Genesis 16 and 21, take some time to read it.  I will do my best to sum it up, but the words from the Bible really do it best.  Hagar was Sarai's (Abraham's wife) maidservant.  Sarai had not gotten pregnant, so she had Hagar sleep with her husband to try to build a family through her servant.  Hagar became pregnant, and while she was still pregnant Sarai would (and Abraham allowed this) mistreat her.  Hagar then ran away to the desert and had an amazing encounter with God.  He comforted her in her pain and she gave God the name, "The One who sees me".  Beautiful.  In Genesis 21, Hagar has now given birth to her son, Ishmael.  Sarai has also given birth to a son, Isaac.  Sarai decides that she no longer wants Hagar and Ishmael living under her roof, and kicks them out.  Hagar and Ishmael are dying in the desert.  God comes to her, comforts her, and saves her and her son a second time.  God loves the hurt, cast out, abandoned woman who in many ways (in most ways) has no choice in the direction of her life.  It truly is a precious story of God and His amazing capacity to comfort and love us.

God has lead me to this story daily for the last two weeks.  I kept thinking that if I was Hagar in Genesis 21, cast out with my young son, I would not walk into a desert.  I would not go to the place that is hot and dry and deadly.  I would go to a neighbor, or a neighboring village...some place close and friendly with an over abundance of cold water.  Then I began to think that maybe she just wanted to get as far away from Abraham and Sarai as she could.  Maybe she needed to put some distance between her and God's chosen family, and if the desert would do that for her, then the desert was where she was walking.  I have thought on Hagar a lot lately.  Twice in the desert feeling deserted.

Lately, I have allowed myself to feel a little deserted.  I have allowed myself to campout on the thought that I am forgotten or misunderstood...or both.  I have, lately, gotten my feelings hurt by other girls that are part of God's chosen family.  Moments that have made me cry and crawl into my typical insecurity.  This is where I decided to be Hagar and head out to the desert...waiting on God to comfort me in my perceived pain, and other's witness my desert restoration.  I think, and this is embarrassing to say, I have been pouting in the name of Jesus.  And He saw me pouting in my self made desert.  Instead of comforting me over and over, He placed the story of Hagar on my heart and made me question why any woman would go back to a desert. 

I am a girl who carries the wounds from other girls around with me in a paper sack.  I can tuck this sack nicely away when I want, but if I need it, I can pull it out and sit down with my self pity and dig through the remnants of friendships for awhile.  I am willing to throw a friendship into that paper sack at the slightest hint of pain or betrayal, or someone looking remotely like one of the other stories in my bag.  I will give up, put on my sandals and head out to my desert to lament in the sand with my precious paper bag of hurts, and wait for Jesus and a side of bitterness to make me feel better.  As I ridiculed Hagar for her second journey to the desert, Jesus began to speak a word over my life that was excruciating:

Jackie, you are NOT cast out.  You are afraid.  You are afraid at any moment the girls who are part of the Body of Christ will cast you out...and so you head for the desert without reason.  You are NOT Hagar.  Quit thinking like a cast out slave.  You are free.  FREE. Free to do something different.

This different in Jesus looked like a few humbling phone calls.  One to say to a girl, "I miss you and I feel like you don't miss me."  Another to say, "I feel like I made a big mistake and everyone is made at me."  Both phone calls brought me to tears.  Both made me feel extremely vulnerable.  Neither, however, left me dying in a desert.  There is freedom to love and rebuild with God's chosen family...the Body of Christ.  There is freedom to say I am a former slave and I am comfortable not being loved or wanted.  I have been cast out in so many ways, and I am desperate to get to my desert before you send me there.  I am a former slave who at times picks up painful chains and feels at home. 

I am a FORMER slave.  Christ has set me free.  He is walking me out of my desert into His arms.  He is showing me how to be bold in my vulnerability, and honest with my insecurities.  He is humbling me enough to allow Him to heal me.  To be able to see the desert in the distance and not run there.  I am not Hagar.  I am Jackie, and I am free.

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.  Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened by a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1